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Hillbilly Gravy

I actually call it hillbilly gravy cause at Thanksgiving at my parent's house we call the two gravies hillbilly and gobble gravy. Gobble gravy, of course, being brown gravy that goes on, well, turkey. Hillbilly gravy is one of the first things my Mama taught me to how cook when I was a kidling, so yall shouldn't have any trouble.

Gravy goes with anything, really. You can make it breakfast food by adding sausage or bacon and pouring it over a biscuit. Gravy Biscuit is a staple of the South, I'll have you know. Or you can put in some mushrooms, or even chili. Unless you really eff it up, everything always tastes magical poured over potatoes. Or meat. Lots of freedoms with gravayyy.

1 cup of flour power
1/2 cup of veggie oil of awesome
4 cups of Moo juice (aka milk)
diddle dash of salt
teaspoon of Men in Black pepper
Waist exploding sausage

You'll also need
2 skillets with skills
A spatula or one of those amazing wooden cooking spoons
cups for said ingredients
a spoon awesome enough to contain the pepper

Begin by getting the oil sizzling in the skillet. The reason you want it nice and hot is so you don't have clingy flour, which is what you shift onto the oil. Don't just plop it in there or it is going to be ugly and lumpy and the dog won't even eat it. Once it's on the oil, immediately kind of chop at it with your spoon or spatula so no lumps are banished from ever forming. A lumpy gravy is a dumpy gravy!

While it's getting hot, ramble and scramble some sausage up. Different pan, moron.

After the oil and flour is a kind of light brown, which it should get in less than a minute, pour in the milk. From here you get a little bit of exercise keeping it stirred. The motion you're doing is kind of exactly the same one you make when you're scrambling eggs. Don't know how to make eggs? Then you really have no business at gravy level, do you?

Anyway, you stir until it thickens. Add in salt and pepper and sausage or whatever your tiny soul desires and done!


Made myself a bunch of these last night to haul around with me in the ever stylish ziploc bag.

cup of delectable sugar
cup of yumdidlydo brown sugar, packed
1/3 cup of almonds, slivered me timbers
1/4 cup veggie oil of awesome
ground cinnawhoamon
round (rude and not) ginger
ground nutmeg ryan
1-3 tbsp apple cider
2 egg whites, preferrably not salmonellaized :/
1 whole egg, beaten to smithereens
1/3 cup of sour cream from a dream
2 1/2 cups flour power
2 tsp baking powder of epicness

So easy a caveman can do it! Just combine the ingredients (from sugar to sour cream) and beat the shit out of it for a minute or two. Really depends on what you're mixing it with, though. When I made these I used one of those lazy armed electronic hand mixer things, since the kitchen is NO place for exercise of any kind. Use the amount of spices that you like. I am a cinnamon whore so I always go heavy on that.

Anyhoo, after that, in another bowl, combine the magical powers of flour and baking powder. Evil is going down! Then, slowly fold the magical flour/powder into the stuff in the other bowl and mix until its a smooth operator. Turn out the awesomeness onto a floured surface and shape into a 16 inchish long roll. Place roll onto a greased/oiled/sprayed pan and flatten roll. Don't flatten the roll like road kill, just until it's about half its thickity thick faceness. 

Bake at 375 F for 20-25 minutes. If you're using glass, it'll cook faster so--watchit. Lastly,  remove its deliciousness from the oven and invert onto a wire rack. Let it cool for aboot 10-12 minutes. Cut the roll into 3/4 inch wide slices. If you like your biscotti harder, bake for +10 mins.

Fantastical by itself or with coffee or under something awesome like ice cream.

Bread Pudding of Delicious Doom

Made this a few days ago. It doesn't sound appetizing (you probably imagined jello pudding ontop of a piece of sammich bread) but it IS totally deilcious, and so simple to make it will blow your mind into another dimension.

2 cups of gladyoumadeit sugar
6 eggs beaten to smithereens
2 cups of milk from a magical cow
2-3 tsp of amazing vanilla extract
1 cup of yumdiddlydo brown sugar
4 cups of stale Italian bread cubed
1-2 cups o' choppeded pecans
stick and a half o' belly bustin butter
cuppa gladyoumadeit sugar
another stick of that butter
2 tsp of amazing vanilla extract
another poor beaten up egg
& Coohoooool Whiiiip

The first thing you want to do is deal with making the bread stale. If you can't buy bread stale, then congratulations, your grocery store doesn't suck. Just cube it up and leave it out overnight in a bowl, covered in something thin like plastic wrap. I use Italian bread because it's thick and usually more dry then loaf bread, but you can use any kind of bread.

Now that the bread is stale, you can mix up the rest of the magic. In a bowl combine the white sugar, eggs, milk, and vanilla. Right here is where you get creative rights (huzzah!) and can add in any spices/fixins' you want. Cinnamon and raisins give it a delicious holiday twang, if you want something scrumdidlyumptious and easy to serve.

Anyhoo, after you've got all that mixed together, pour it over your stale bread and saturate that shit. While the bread is soaking its yeasty toes (let it soak for about 10 mins), mix the butter, brown sugar, and pecans up in another bowl. I knoooow, it's bowl city. This bit is to go ontop of the bready mixture. It should look crumbly and kinda dry. Again, you can add whatever else you want in like slices of fruit or some mint. After you have all of that awesomeness mixed up, oil up a baking dish and pour the breadyness in. Then cover it up with the pecan mixture.

Bake for 35-40 minutes or until set. When it's done, combine all of the ingredients for the top sauce in a saucepan. Cook until bubblicious and the sugar has melted. You can add booze into the mixture if you want. I sometimes use peach vodka or some kind of flavored brandy. Booze or no booze, pour it over the pudding. Top with a dollop of Cool Whip. Eat it.

sexy sweet tater fries

2 lbs female potatoes
men in black pepper
clove of vampire repellent chopped up
a plastic ziplocish bag
1 cup of flour power
red pepper from hell
olive oil of awesome
salt, if you're not a slug
cooking spray from planet nonstick

Start by scrubbing the sweet potatoes! Yo, those dudes were in the ground, you don't want dirt in your mouth. After you've made the sweet taters all spic and span, dry em off w/paper towels. At this point you can either peel the peeling or not. Some people like peeling on their taters! The peeling is supposed to have a dump truck load of Vitamin A, but who ever ate a fry for nutritional value, amiright?

So, peeling or no, Freddy Krugering time! Cut the sweet potatoes lengthwise. Lengthwise like a fry. Cut it the other way and its a scallop. No cooking police is going to knock down your door, take your food out, and lecture you if you cut them in an unfry like way. Scallop shaped are better for dipping (like with guacamole) anyway if you wanna cut em like that. Anyway, after you've cut them up, toss em in some olive oil of awesome and set em aside for a flip flopping second.

In a ziplocish bag, combine all your spices and the flour. Is salt a spice? Doesn't seem cool enough to be one. The amount of spice you use is up to you. The more the spicer, obviously. I get dragon breath eating pepperoni so, yeah, I don't use much at all. Anyhoo, its time to throw in your sweet tater fries and shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it! The olive oil you splashed those babies with will make everything stick to them. Everything in the bag, at least...

Lastly, line the sweet tater fries in a pan sprayed with some fumeous cooking spray stuff. You can use olive oil or veg oil (veg oil is evil lord fat, by the way) but you really don't need it. Your choice! The cooking time is usually 30-40 minutes at 400 degrees, depending on how crispity you want them. You'll have to turn them about halfway through for even cooking.